Suicidal Tendencies

On April 5th, I attempted to take my own life.

I had just broken up with my girlfriend. I had tons of shit to deal with. On top of that, I had family problems.

I was struggling with myself.

With all these stress and madness consuming me, I had decided to end my life. I took around 30 tablets of Risperidone, an anti-psychotic pill that reduces hallucinations and delusions, as well as Lorazepam, a type of sleeping pill.

I then laid in bed waiting for Death to take me away.

I had a call from a friend, she asked if I had done anything that would harm me. I said no, I did not and that was when I had a panic attack. I was still on the phone when I shivered and had trouble catching my breath.

“Breathe slowly, I’m here,” she said.

After a few minutes, I was OK. After a lengthy conversation on the phone. I walked out the house.

While I was walking, I saw purple clouds and melting houses. Giant dogs with yellow eyes roaming around and small people trotting along the sidewalk. I was confused. Why are these things happening to me?

Then I threw up.

I think I passed out. I couldn’t remember but I was confused as I sat on a seesaw. I tried standing up but my legs were shaky as if I were to lose my ability to walk. My head was pounding, but I decided to walk home. As I entered my house, I rushed to the toilet and threw up again. I felt shitty and decided to go to bed.

That was my first sleep after three days of insomnia.

The next day, I told my mom that I had attempted to kill myself. She immediately took me to the hospital. I was rushed to the emergency ward and was taken to a room. My ex-girlfriend was there. She helped me calm down. A nurse came and injected me with a syringe to take a blood sample. Then, she gave me a drug and I passed out. I was there from 3:30PM till 9PM.

I was grateful that my ex-girlfriend was there, even though she had decided to call our relationship off.

I had not eaten for a few days. I relied on mineral water and friends to go through my shitty days. It helped me regain a sense of reality.

I do not want to end my life, I know I’ve said this a million times but I do not want suicide as an option. It may seem like the most reasonable way to escape this labyrinth of madness and pain, but deep in my heart, I truly believe that suicide is a sad way to die.

You deserve a beautiful death as much as you deserve a beautiful life.

I know life can be Hell sometimes, or most of the time but hope and love are greater than pain and death. You need to believe that someday, you’ll live a life that you’ve always wanted.

Even if takes time, head towards that life. You will get there.

There are people who love you, believe in their love more than the voices that deceive you. Those who love you are real. The voices are not.

Tell yourself that you matter.

That you deserve happiness, even if it’s for a day. You, deserve all the love and kindness in the world.

Life will fuck you over but remember to stand up and walk again. You may need crutches to stand up again, but that’s better than crawling.

I want you to know that you matter.

You are loved. You mean something to the world. We are all connected someway, somehow. We are meant to be loved, as we are meant to live.

Hold on, it will get better soon. I promise.

If you ever need to talk to someone, please contact Befrienders Malaysia (Helpline 1: (03) 7956 8144; Helpline 2: (03) 7956 8145) or Lifeline Association of Malaysia (Helpline 1: (603) 92850039; Helpline 2: (603) 92850279; Helpline 3: (603) 92850049).


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