I always thought that I’d don the hijab when I’m truly ready.
By that, I mean when I’ve received a sign and knew deep down that it was time. This is because wearing the hijab is not simply the act of having a piece of cloth on your head – it’s more than that. It’s a way of life.
I remember my dad telling my sister and I to wear it once we’re back home during our last few days in Madinah. After our trip, he asked me to put the hijab on and I hesitated – I just wasn’t ready.
My dad looked so disappointed, he wasn’t mad, just disappointed.
He asked me why and I was explaining to him how I felt very insecure of what people would say, what if boys didn’t like me, or find me attractive. How I felt like it limits me in terms of sports or that I know I’d be treated differently. I was ready to list down all the things that were in my head; I could’ve gone on forever but he cut me off.
Till this day, I remember the look on his face when he told me, “What about what God thinks of you? Aren’t you afraid of that?”
In response, I kept quiet, because I knew he was right.
I’ve been wearing the hijab for a year now, and on some days I still struggle with keeping it on.
Nobody ever tells you the struggles of keeping the hijab on. Everyone only tells you about the beauty of it and that it’s a small reminder that modesty doesn’t limit aspiration – ignorance does.
I guess I should consider myself as one of the lucky ones as I’ve only received positive feedbacks when I started donning it. I know some of my friends had to struggle over whether to keep the hijab on due to people’s comment and how they reacted towards it.
Confidence is everything that I don’t have – I have been faking it until I made it for years.
It also really doesn’t help with someone who has anxiety and that I’m barely 5’0. I’m always careful with my outfits to avoid looking like a ball of cotton.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the act of wearing the hijab.
To be frank, at times I really do miss the feeling of being able to show off my new haircut or that ombre hair that I’ve always wanted to get, but never really had the time.
I’ve been thinking about how it would be if I didn’t put my hijab on or what if I do decide to take it off one day.
Thinking about this, having these thoughts – it just makes me feel like shit. I suppose at some point, every person who has ever donned the hijab would go through this. The feeling of vulnerability, depression or confusion about wearing it can be omnipresent.
My only advice that a wise friend told me is to remember the core reason why you decided to adopt the hijab.
Pleasing The Creator is always, always better than pleasing His creations. You’re so much more than your appearance and no matter how hard it might be, how hard it will eventually be to keep your hijab on – it’s on for one reason.
For every struggle you have keeping the hijab on, you will be rewarded, and that in of itself is going to be worth it.
Farah Izzati is a short and sweet introvert who is still trying to find faith. When someone takes her photo and asks her to smile, she still thinks of you. You can find her on Instagram and Twitter at @fyzzati.